But What Do You Mean

Deborah Tannen’s “But What Do You Mean” examines how men and women miscommunicate. Using anecdotes Tannen breaks down the biggest areas of miscommunication. Women, for example tend to overly give apologies even when there is nothing to apologize for. They will say they are sorry and in return expect the other person to take the blame as well. When the other person doesn’t take the blame as expected the woman will look entirely at fault even if she is not. Men usually do not apologize as much making the apologetic woman look incapable of doing what a man does. It “masks” a woman’s competence. When a man and a woman criticize each other the woman will soften her criticism and expect the same in return while a man will clearly give his opinion oblivious to the fact that he instead should have gave an compliment to keep the woman satisfied. In many cases a woman will say thank you even if there is no reason to thank the person. Comparing a woman’s feelings to an unbalanced seesaw Tannen explains that when women say thank you, if they don’t get a thanks in return they feel “abandoned” in the conversation and regret saying thank you to them at all. When men discuss their ideas they tend to simply argue and challenge their opponent’s ideas but women take this as a personal attack rather than an exchange of ideas. Men and Women also praise one another differently. Women expect to be flowered with praise when doing well while men remain silent to show that they are pleased. If a woman begins to complain she is simply relieving her self and expects someone to tell of their troubles as well. When men hear these complaints they take it upon themselves to try and solve the solution. The last area of miscommunication is during the exchange of jokes. Women usually feel more comfortable joking with women but when they around men who are joking and they do not laugh men think they are too serious and have no sense of humor.

Discussion Questions:
Does the authors gender build on to her credibility?
Do you find yourself participating in miscommunications as discussed?
As a woman do you agree with the things Tannen says women do?